my weekly complainings;

Waiting at the airport. I love my birthfamily. I finally found my birthfather, and mother. She passed away in august and I am so hurt. Visiting my sister and birthfather in georgia on monday. I am so fucking excited. I miss you so much. I wish you weren't gone. I never got to tell you thankyou for iving me up for adoption to my amazing parents. You were and still are a beautiful woman who continues to inspire me everyday. I wish I couldve met you so much. I'm so sad that ill never have the priveledge to hug you. You are the strongest woman I know. I wish you were still alive tracie.

it snowed the other day and im not supposed to get snow in the area where i live. Funny thing this weather. I love it in the rain though and fog. The snow was so nice, i hope it happens christmas day.

I ahve gained so much weight its not even funny anymore. Im scared for myself, and Its disgusting. Im taking on a new look at things and have made a tiny list for myself, from myself of things i want to do to better this situation that just keeps on worsening.

Although you may/will not know what this means, i dont know if i do either. So thats what im trying to do with my life right now and piece this all together.

Holy shit im so fucking tired.


namaste
karu nesh
deepak chophra
3. train your mind change your brain
2. how to know yourself who you really are
stumbling upon happiness
4. shortcut to nirvana (documentary)
1. the art of happiness
seven spiritual laws of success deepak choprah


start getting up earlier
work on fitness
shower in the evenings instead of mornings to help with sleep
meditation

I am trying to better myself by doing guided meditation and such. Its difficult. TOday was a really hard day for me. Im having trouble with my anxiety, depression and mania. I feel ask though i take a step forward, i somehow end up four steps back. I know someday i will over come this but it's because i haven't been seeing Andrea. I realized today I really want to make a change not just pyschically first, but it has to come pyscologically. That is the hardest part of this all for me to grasp. Its a pyschological thing rather then Pyshical. I feel ugly on the inside so i think that making myself pretty on the outside will help, but it just masks the problem that i have from within. Im now going to try guided meditation and see how that goes.

i am on pain meds right now.
a lot in fact.
juse=t got discharged from the ER which will explain my typing. Ive been blacking out constantly and fainting and there is no explanation why. The doctor i had this evening as such a prick he told me i was faking everysingle movement of everthing all up to my seizures. That pissed me off so bad because why the fuck would i make jat up so he refused to give me the pain medication i needed and i looked like a dumbass crying and screaming in pain for no goffakn reason. I

Im just going to another hopsital alll together i dont know whwn or wipMy bathrobe is itchy.
these pain meds make me feel like im floating

ugh my cat made me bleed.


i better go to sleeep before i poke someones eye out with my delirious mind and bad typing in the almost dark.



And so today my world it smiles :} lallalallalaa (whatre you doing>!) ......"I'm acting like my dad......."e'n,'



P.S. i dont know what to do this weekend'
P.P.S. I JUST HEARD SOMEONES APARTMENT DOOR CLOSSSSSE WHICH MEANSSS

1. BOOTY CALL
2. SNEAKING IN
3. JUST GOT HOME
4. LEAVING OUT TO PARTY
5. ALCOHOL RUN
6. DOG HAD TO PEE
7. ONE NIGHT STAND LEAVING
8. SMOKE
9. 'nose goes;
10. GET FOOD.

i wanna go home.

 HOLY SHIT. i feel like ive missed out on so much. After looking at all of my friends pictures from senior year, i can't even beleive it. i just feel like crying. i dont know why.  they all look so pretty and like they're having so much fun. i don't know if this feeling of emptyness is coming from that or from something deeper. being thin? what if i was just as skinny as them. that doesn't mean we'd still be as close. This doesnt even make sense. I can't beleive it. Im struggling so much in college. i can't beleive i skipped. but that was my only way out. i am literally drowning. there is no way out. what the fuck do you do when theres no way out? keep burrying in further? or just keeping breaking the walls till you finally see the crack of light? i am so stuck its disgusting. What the fuck is this anymore. I am falling apart. my life is peeling infront of me before my eyes layer by layer and i can't do anything about it. its like an onion, with each layer gone my vision gets more blurry and the water in my eyes thickens until its too much to handle and the barrier breaks and it cracks. I am weak. If only the strong survive, then count me out. but what do the rest do? watch and suffer?

My heart feels empty. I can't sleep. Im going nowhere fast and everyone is passing me with flying colors. What do you do when you have nothing? My support system has crumbled. My parents say this is my journey but its more of a fucking hell. My body hurts every day. My mind is clouded. What the fuck?Everything i touch feels fake. I don't feel alive. I feel dead. Numb. I realize right now that i somehow watched my life slowly deteriorate in front of my eyes. It slipped through my fingers like water, and i cant grab it all back and put the pieces together because there were none to begin with. I'm not happy with anything. So where do i begin? Maybe it's time i go "to the root." maybe i should think about my birth parents.

I just want to be successful. I don't know where to start. I'm lost. my internal compass is broken.

 Today was a weird day. My roomates are complete fucking bitches so im moving out and im finally fucking happy. but the real deal is my boyfriend. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. he is my world you guys. like i cant even fathom my love for him. He's having a hard time adjusting to school right now but i know he'll make it through. I just can't wait to see him on thanksgiving break. Its really hard to not have him here all the time because i need that physical attention you know? 



Well, classses started and i totally love them. One of my teachers is a bitch but i cant complain to much because its college and i guesss i HAVE to grow up now. Its so weird now that im responsible for myself and only me now. I can walk out of class anytime or just not show up and its all on me. Sometimes i feel like im the only one out of all my friends who is actually motivated to learn and do the work. The rest of the girls just want to party or whatnot. like im really into my major and i can't wait to get started on my life and the peer pressure is just SO INTENSE here. 


all in all the weather is fuckking incredible. 70 all the time, and the beach is always visible. Its just hard without my significant other. i guess i can actually say "i left my heart in san francisco"

OH YEAH. i got a concussion, and no! i was NOT drunk. i fell down some stairs and the next thing i remember is im strapped to this bored in so much pain i couldnt even talk. Since then ive been to the hospital about four times and i got a shot in my ass that burned like HELLLL. My vision is blurry, i get a headache everytime i try to think or do any physical activity and sometimes i just black out. my head hurts on both sides and i have a shooting pain down the back of my neck. the beach sounds nice right about now but i dont wanna go without the love of my life holding my hand.



its so weird. just five months ago i was about ready to fucking kill myself and now i feel ontop of the world. (and no its not just because of bipolar). i guess if you just wait, everything will be okay. :}

 I LOVE COLLEGE LIFE.
im having so much fun.
except the fact i got a concussion. but more about that later
girls night tonight.

bring out the margaritas.

you guys, i am finally so happy its just hard to be away from my boyfriend.



were engaged!!

YOU GUYS YOU GUYS HES MINE AND HES PERFECT!!! i finally find someone and then im moving....fuck it! atleat i got into the school of my dreams though. I can't wait to get started. But i can't leave him behind... Its so bittersweet. I just didn't know life was this confusing ad filled with dilemma. WHY CANT HE JUST COME WITH ME?!


it wont be that bad though. he's coming up on columbus day.

pack your bags you guys im so excited. i leave tommorow.
can't wait to tell you about my rooom mates.




xoxo
late.

I passed my fucking testttttttt. I am frrree from highschool.

So much has happened. I do not know what to do lately but I feel like I need more time to myself. I'm at my friends birthday party right now and kinda bummed.





Bumble bees hsve no pus.



That is what thr guy next to me said. I asked him to write in my phone. How weird is my life right now? He's so cute. I wish I had his number but I don't have the courage to ask for it. I guess I'm just not ready.

I'm here!!! Vacation. I brought my puppy with me as a companion and decided to lj to process my thoughts even though I know no one reads them. Its beautiful on the coast, and I can't wait to explore tommorow. No drama, no computers, and no accidently running into anybody I know. Thankyou for seculsion. Its so peaceful here I can actually SLEEP

Its funny how everything can go so wrong in such a short amount of time. J fucked L. He likes her. Its over. I don't have any guys anymore. In a way I don't care but I do. I feel alone and have no one to really talk to. I'm in a lot of physical pain aswell and I'm spiriling down. My breathing is heavier, my attitude is less positive and I feel extremely alone. I miss having a significant other but I don't want to push it. Lately it seems like everything is going wrong.



In the media today if you're not stick thin you can be traded off for the other girl. That's what happened. She looks exactly like his ex girlfriend. That's fine. It wasn't meant to be anyways, right? Ill be fine yeah?


I find myself writing late at night on my blackberry apps in order to feel better because I know I'm holding all this in. I feel like if I tell people I know, they won't take me seriously or CARE. And yes I know. They aren't true friends. I'm in a bit of a horrid situation. So what do I do? Look at the positives I know. Focus on myself. But how can I work out if I've been beaten up. I can but its difficult. I'm just in such an awkward situation. I need a goddamn vacation from everything, and I need to become re-intune with myself.

I just got out of the ER. The other night I was at my friends friends house and while we were on our way out the girls were like, "whose leaving?" I said people who want to kick your ass.


They were rude from the begginning. They called k extremely rude words and told me to lose weight which was hilarious and came at us fists clenched and everything while we were peacefully walking to the car. The blonde girl (x) threw a punch at k and grabbed her hair and k did self defense but was pushed away. I went towards the group later to get an apoligy and made it clear I DID NOT WANT TO FIGHt. X's boyfriend grabbed my arms and I told him firmly do NOT touch me and he punched me in the face and threw me against the metal stair railings and I fell stiff as a board to the floor. The girl x yelled someone get this fatbitch out of my house and they were planning on draagging me somewhere so after I regained a little bit of conceincousness I grabbed her leg then all hell broke loose.

I was surrounded by all four sides and was being punched repeatedly in the neck and face and having my hair pulled. I crawled away and was then picked up and thrown into the gravel and landed on rocks and gashed my elbow bruised my legs and rolled and knocked my head on the car next to the house.


The police came and were very unjust and don't believe me what happened and say I started it. They think I'm faking my head and body injuries(I'm on crutches). They are complining about filing a report.

i think more kids should go to preschool and learn how to make friends instead of stealing mine.

if you learned from the very beggining, maybe this would never happen.

FUCK OFF LAUREN MITCHELL, YOU WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP AND LOOK HELLA CRUSTY.

MAKE YOUR OWN FRIENDS AND STOP TAKING MINE.

Tonight was an interesting night. Today was yet another scorching hot day aswell. 110 to say the least. I can't fucking wait to move to SD and have more even weather and a stable lifestyle.


Today was my dads bday!!!!!!!!!!!!! Took scooby for a walk after siesta.


LAuREN is a bitch. Saw B today. I hate L PERMANENTLY. She can die. Supposedly she called my ex bf or he called her or I don't know. Whatever. She's just a stupid bitch in the long run anyways. She drinks too much and talks way too fast. Negative vibes run through her veins.



On a posi note I'm on my new bberry curve!!! Moving in septembre'!




Where the party at?!?!

I'm on my iPod!!!!!! How fun.

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